A Perfect Night - For a Night Drive

Ripping it down Highway 7, heading East at midnight.
I never felt this adrenaline before.
I just had to drop the pedal to the floor.
Thoughts rushing through my head.
C.
A.
S.
E.
Why am I plagued with these thoughts?
I looked into my rearview as I thought I left everyone behind me in my dust.
But this red civic hatchback kept on my tail.
I floored it.
I was doing 120... 130... above the street racing law... still he was on my tail.
Up infront came a red light that had just turned green.
I slowed down and he came infront and cut me off.

Oh no.
You shouldn't have.
At this point, I was tailgating him. There was less than half a meter between me and him...
What was that?
You gave me the finger?
Now what the hell did I do?

That's it.
I cut to the left, drive up next to him and took a quick look at him.
Pedal to the metal and ahead I went, cutting him off [SEVERELY].
He had to brake hard just to avoid rear-ending me.
Good.
I felt good.
Adrenaline still pumping through me, I lost him. He was stuck behind the crawling traffic... now a speck in my rearview.
I win bitch, I win...

Caught In The Middle.

What do you do when one of your friends contributed to the cheating done in the girls relationship, before they got together?

Do you take sides? Or try not to get involved?

He's one of your good friends, and the girl he's with now, cheated with him on her ex. Easy right? It's none of your business, so you obviously take your friends side, just cause you have no choice anyway.

But what if...

The other guy - the guy on the other end. The one whose hurt, who didn't deserve the pain he's going through, is also your friend? So now all three persons are your friends. What do you do? You have friends on either side, and you're stuck in the middle.

This is where I stand. Stuck in the middle of a battlefield, bullets flying from either side of me. Now I know how serious this matter is. The guy whose hurt, brings trouble and worry to everyone around him. He said he wanted to hurt the guy who did this. He was calling his boys from Jane and Finch. But I talked some sense into him. We all did, and now he's calling it off. I can only imagine what could be done...

And now I'm putting some thought into what I was thinking on doing. Getting involved with E? A man like me can only dream about it, but it'll never happen. I'm doing this the right way, the way it's supposed to be done. And that means if I have to wait forever for whoever the girl is...

I will...

Again.

I thought today would be a day where I won't have to hear his name.
But you said it again.
I don't even know why I'm talking to you.
Every time I see you online, I want to talk to you, even if I told myself not to.
And why am I talking to him? Chilling with him?
He seems so much closer to you than I can ever get.
But he's a good friend.
So I guess I shouldn't hold a grudge against him but against you.
You and your lying lies.
Your dirty secrets.
And the way you build me up, just to break me down.
I give up.
I've been hurt too many times before, I don't want it to happen again...

These girls win, they always do...

Enough.

(5:27 PM) C:wait
(5:27 PM) C:what happened to loo?
(5:28 PM) S:lol
(5:28 PM) S:hahahaha
(5:28 PM) S:later
(5:28 PM) S:getting a ride
(5:28 PM) C:
(5:28 PM) C:from wh
(5:28 PM) C:who
(5:29 PM) S:jason
(5:30 PM) C:joey's jason?
(5:30 PM) C:or JAY
(5:30 PM) S:joey's jason
(5:30 PM) C:LOL
(5:30 PM) C:good luck.
(5:30 PM) S:?
(5:32 PM) S:it's not like anything's gonna happen
(5:33 PM) C:that's not what i meant lol
(5:33 PM) C:i meant your boredo
(5:33 PM) C:boredom
(5:34 PM) S:oh yeah. and not understanding what he's saying?
(5:34 PM) S:LOL
(5:35 PM) S:but it's better than bussing at 7:15AM... or not going at all?
(5:35 PM) S:lol
(5:35 PM) S:too baddddddd anson's got work and i can't bring him
(5:38 PM) C:lol
(5:38 PM) C:you two are so tight
(5:38 PM) C:it's like you're dating
(5:42 PM) S:what?!
(5:42 PM) S:oh my.......
(5:48 PM) C:what?
(5:51 PM) S:LOL. you are so weirddd

I didn't care about that Jason guy driving her to loo. I know he has no chance with her whatsoever, even S pointed out [one of] his [MAJOR] flaws.

Then came the bolded points.
I can't have a conversation with her without him being mentioned. For once I want to talk to her without hearing about another guy. But it seems that A is the hot topic nowadays.

So I had enough and mentioned that it seemed as though they're dating just to see what she would say...

And look at her response. I'm "weirddd". Big WTF there...

What ladder?

That's the question I'm asking myself. I currently lost on the battlefield. I don't know if I'm on the friends ladder, or the real ladder.

I had dinner with S today, we had such a good time too. I dropped her off at her house and she invited me to come in. SURE WHY NOT? Why pass up such a great opportunity? We had a good time but I had to go. I come home, and chat with her on msn, then the inevitable happened:

S: You should've made me go to sleep
C: ...
C: I told you to go to sleep
C: ...HOW MANY TIMES?
C: Do I need to come tuck you into bed? LOL
S: YEAH!
S: Of course : )
S: Awww. Anson called
S: That FAG. Went to eat without me.
S: But he's getting me coffee
S: : )
S: lol

Wow. Just... wow. Do I CARE?! I don't understand anymore...

You think you're on one ladder, and before you know it, you get tossed to the other ladder. Then you get tossed back. Back and forth. Sooner or later, you won't know which ladder you're on anymore...

...like me.

It's was only a...

So I was at #18's house. I don't remember why I was there, but there were quite a few people there, so it must've been a little gathering she was having. Her walls were spray painted with some artistic graffiti and I said, "Whoa! Why are your walls like this?!" And she said, "Oh, we're painting the walls soon, so I let Jess do a little artsy stuff to it before we cover it."

Fair enough.

I grab a seat on a love seat and look around, people were chatting and I look at her and she's on her laptop. She was apparently on MSN, and she turns around to me and says, "Hey! Can you figure out who this is for me?" I get up and walk to her and she lets me sit down on the chair she was sitting on. I start reading the chat log. I don't remember much of it, but the line that struck me was:

"So who do you like? Is it Cal? s2 =)"

I made a WTF face, and she said, "Yeah I know, weird eh?"

Then I said, "I don't know, but I'll try to figure it out." Got up and went on her desktop. As I was going on MSN, she started to play this game. I have no idea what it's called but the objective was to kiss each other on certain places of the face. And somehow you win just by doing something that I wasn't even sure about. I didn't notice that till I looked over and she was kissing some guy on the cheek and she saw me look. Our eyes connected for a second, but I turned away. I didn't bother saying anything. I don't even remember what went through my head when that happened. At the corner of my eye, she had finished and got up and started coming towards my direction. She sat next to me and said, "Hey Calvin." I turned my head towards her and said "What's up?" And she kissed my lips and held it for 2 seconds before she pulled away. I stare at her, with my eyes as big as they can get, while she said, "I win" with a smile on her face...

Next thing I knew I heard someone yelling my name...

...and I woke up...

3:41AM... WHY?!

I woke up to a scream, and cries last night - Cries of pain, sorrow, heartache.

No, it wasn't me.

It came from outside my house. I turned to look at the red glow of my clock. Blurry - I squinted to see 3:41AM. I thought, "What the fuck?" I got up, and pulled down a section of my blinds to see a girl across the street screaming towards a black car. I couldn't see much since my window was all blurry [plus my own eye sight isn't that well too] and as the girl kept walking, she kept crying, and the black car followed.

Screams of "LEAVE ME ALONE" and "I HATE YOU" were the only words that traveled into my ear. I thought to myself, "Whoa, this is something serious." She walked up the street to the point where I was just able to see what was going on. Then suddenly, the crying hushed and she walked around to the passenger door and got it. And the black car drove off.

A few things came through my head:

• She was too easy. One word probably made her forget why she was upset. Or why she hated him.
• She probably over-reacted on something stupid like what a lot of girls do.
• If he was such a jerk, why go back to him? He was probably her ride home, so she had no other choice. I just don't understand girls who do that. There are SO many grateful guys out there, who can do a million times better than him, yet you're still stuck on him? What cheap crack did he make you smoke?
  
• Why the flying FUCK are you out so late? Get the hell home and don't wake me up EVER AGAIN.

Song For The Girl

Up again, down again, out of your head
When she's beside you, you're nearly not so dead
Up again, down again, out of your head
When she's beside you, you're always at your best

To my buddy and myself... you know how true this is.

The Key

Nothing is clear at the moment, and it's definitely too early to tell anything. I feel as though you're at the other side of a tightrope that I'm currently on - the width of dental floss, while I'm on a unicycle above a wilderness of razorblades. One false move and it's bye-bye to me and everything I was trying for. And I just started on this tight rope, but I'm stuck. I'm like a ship lost at sea. Do I turn back, and don't risk what I have right now? Or continue on the tight rope, risk that I may fall and face the peril of the blades? But even if I do make it across, I have one obstacle to overcome, and that's your significant other.

He's like the final boss in a game - he has the key to your kingdom; he has the key to your heart. And you're the prize at the end of it all. And like the T-Shirt that I wanted to buy that says on the front: "Save the Princess, Save the World" But that's way too geeky and it's besides the point.

All my friends had it easy. The girl would be having problems with her ex and so they come in, as the savior, the friend, the pillow. But I don't know about her. She doesn't speak of him, she doesn't have any pictures of him. Why must this be so difficult?

I know this is contradicting to what I said in the previous entry, but after seeing this blog:

I want to fall in love. It's such a simple statement, and in a way a very selfish one too. It's nothing to be ashamed of- to admit an emptiness in our own lives that we don't know how to fill. It's difficult to explain the empty feeling that gnaws when walking down the street and seeing a couple kiss. It's an emptiness that makes you feel like you've missed something, and leaves you remembering what it was like to hold someone's hand. At what point in our lives did we make the 'wrong' choice?

http://richlinkin.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

I've made many wrong choices in life, but is this finally the right one? Back on the issue of morals - anyone WITH morals would probably say no. I don't know what to tell you. She's beginning to drive me nuts, and I barely know her. That's how different she is, that's how special she is already and she's driving me off the wall...

And honestly, because she wasn't in class today, I felt weird. Like I was missing something. She already has that effect on me, I can't imagine what would happen if we got closer...

But that's another tale for another day...

To those that read this and feels as though I have wasted their time, I apologize. As for those that understand what I'm going through, thanks for understanding. One day I hope that I can find the cup of tea and drink from it - hopefully it's not poison like my previous cup[s]...

A Tear In The Open

A deer in the headlights...
A blade on a wrist...
A noose around a neck...
A death of a friend...

A loved one lost...

Today, I've come to the realization that what makes me think that I can go for someone who is already in a relationship when I can't even get anyone that's single, and that's where I lose.

Today, I was sitting next to her. And she was happily typing to someone on msn. I tried to sneak-a-peek, but her contrast was way too low to even make out any text. Part of me thought it was a friend, but the other part - the pessimistic-self - thought it was the bf. And when she was typing, I noticed a ring - thick and silver on her right index finger. My heart sank a bit, but I didn't let it phase me.

As soon as class ended, she didn't wait up as I was talking to another friend in class. She said "Hey, I gotta go. My ride should be here." So I said bye and off she went. I went outside with my other friend, talking about cars. That ended quickly as I saw her walk away. I turned around, said "later man!" and turned back around, hoping I'd catch up to her. But she had disappeared. So I gave up the pursuit and proceeded my way to the bus stop. The bus stop was PACKED and I knew I wouldn't be able to get on the first bus, so I turned around and headed for the washroom.

I did that, and I came back out, heading to the bus stop again. And at that moment, I saw her at the TTC bus stop, just as she was turning around, away from this guy. She was laughing, and the guy had a big grin on his face. She then saw me, our eyes met for a second, and then I turned my head and kept walking. At that moment, I felt my heart sank; a brick to my face; a bat to my head; a knife to my back.

Her ride wasn't here. It was a lie.

She was going to have a nice bus ride to wherever she was going, but definitely not home. And me - with my earphones on - I stood in a crowded bus; blasting Matthew Good...

True love will find you in the end...

...as they say. It's as easy as it sounds eh?

They say it's a promise with a catch: Only if you're looking can it find you.

And I have been looking for it. But my pessimistic-self won't let me go any further than I am now. The cuts are all gone, but somehow I'm still bleeding...

Morals? What morals?

Before I begin, I will go a bit off-topic: I had to delete my first post because I really felt insecure with my "nickname" being on the blog and the people I talked about and how Google can simply index the thing and if anyone did a search of my name, they could easily find this blog. So there you have it, if you didn't read it in the first post, you missed my life story [as a failure].

Anyway, now back to your regularly scheduled program.



So I look at the horoscope on facebook and well, well, well, what a surprise...

You will be presented with a situation that tests your moral standards. Do what you feel is right, no matter what anyone else says.

Now here's the problem. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I usually don't believe this crap but hey, what a coincidence right? My friends and I were on the issue of homewrecking, and really, I'm beginning to like this girl, but wtf: She's in a ship and had already set sail. As for me, I was on a ship, before it crashed on rocks of greed, annoyance, and whatever else I can say that killed off my ship. And now all I'm left with is a little dance in the quicksand: I'm not going anywhere, and I'm just sinking lower and lower into my depression that others can have what they want, and the unfortunate ones [like myself] can't. I think back to the reason of the break-up between my ex and wonder why did I do it? But I guess I'd be more depressed if I was still with her.

Now what's the right or wrong thing to do? Break the home down/crash their ship, or just keep dancing in my quicksand?

Re: The Rough Divide

From: the ego, the id, and the super ego.

I guess we have to choose a side. Almost everyone chose my side, since [obviously] I'm better than her. But let's not give me an excuse to be full of myself here.

A friend of ours [R] had recently talked to his [F] ex. It may seem like it's not a big deal to him [R], but to us, especially to my friend [F], it totally is. I would wonder what his [R] reaction would be if we started to talk to his ex. [L]

It's surprising to me when it was brought up. I was having lunch with a friend when she brought up the topic of having mutual friends, and most of them took the ex's side. Soon realizing the wrong choice had been made, they had switched sides. Talk about backstabbers...

From my friend's blog - "This is often difficult, as when in the presence of these individuals, information regarding the enemy - information which largely should not be known by the self - is often revealed."

Thus leads to my closing remarks...