2007: Year In Review

Just more than half a day left before I can finally say, "2007 was a thing of the past." I've finally learned this year that I need myself more than ever before, more than anyone else that I know. If I can say that this year was a thing of the past and never look upon it ever again, I can say that to anything else that have plagued my past.

Relationships

At the beginning of this year, I thought I could give my relationship another go at it. Little did I know that I wasn't going to be any happier than I was back in December of 2006. And shortly after, my ex had broken up with me. She thinks that I'm mad at her for breaking up with me, but in fact, I was waiting for her to break up with me. Time and time I think about her, and it brings back horrible memories of how much I get out of my way, so that she's happy. But all the while that she was happy, I was miserable. I hated her mom, for being the bitch that she was. Her annoying little brother and the retarded comments he would make. And her fucked up suicidal sister. I especially hated how she would always put her religion or her mom and sister first before herself. And this filled me up with anger, and it still does, for the wasted time I had spent on her. I've finally learned that I have to look at the entire picture before I decide to dedicate my time to anyone.

Once the relationship had ended, she had started a new one right away. This was probably a way for her to get back at me, but it had failed miserably, for I didn't care one bit. We had gone our separate ways and have never spoke ever since. But I wanted to be a new relationship with someone that would think for herself, and keep some balance between life and the relationship. But for every girl I had tried to go for, I would see faults in them.

F - She was high maintenance and not so "bright".
S - A girl that you can't trust. Way too many guy friends, and I mean way too many. It was pretty close for us to start a relationship, but it never happened. And probably never will.

Then there were girls that I was interested in when the school year had begun, but it didn't get as serious as the two above.

2008 would probably be another year that I'm going to be single, but this would be a good time to concentrate on my studies and earn a little more cash for myself - and for whoever becomes my girl in the future. Time will tell.

Career

This year, I didn't do too well. And it's gonna be awhile before I actually get to graduate. But now I'm thinking... is this the right program for me? I always thought of doing paramedicine at UofT and Centennial, but that never took flight. And now I can't see myself sitting infront of a computer screen for the rest of my life. I spoke to some guy at work who graduated from Ryerson engineering 3 years ago. He said if I really want to do what I want to do, it doesn't matter how long it'll take, which is true. I have 2 years left in my current program, and depending if I transfer, I'll probably get one years' worth of credits at the joint program, which also leaves me two years left in that program. Well, I have until May to decide if I want to do that, so we'll see what happens.

"Friends"

This isn't your typical thanking of close friends who were there when you needed them. It's more like, people come into your life and become your friend, be it a girlfriend or boyfriend of your close friend, but realizing that they aren't showing the entire picture when they're around you [hence the quotations]. I'll try to explain it...

[Fictional names are used to tell this story better]
Brenda was going with Dennis. After a relationship starting to go sour, Brenda decides to hang out with other guys, which makes the relationship go south even faster. Sooner or later, they break up after Dennis realizes that she has been seeing another guy named Alex while still in their relationship. So Dennis leaves, never to be seen in her life again. The picture is just Alex and Brenda. But as the relationship progresses, now in their fifth month, so goes to one of Alex's close friends, Jake. Brenda tells Jake that if he had tried harder to chase her, she would've been with him instead of Alex. And so Jake tells me this. And since Alex, Jake and I are very close friends, this means trouble for Alex, even though he knows nothing about it. Just recently, Alex and Brenda were at my house and Alex fell asleep. I was playing games and Brenda was just sitting there watching me. Then, out of nowhere, she says: "Let's go outside for a walk, I have a lot on my mind." 'Oh god, here we go.' I thought. But I refused, cause 1) I don't want to get myself involved with anything and 2) Alex was in the same room. He could've heard what she said...

So if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Protect your friend and tell him everything, or just let it be?


2007 was an interesting year indeed, with its fair share of ups and downs. Let's just hope the new year can bring me better and brighter news.

See you next year. Over and out.

Too Little Too Late

I saw S at work today with a guy named Benny. B and her go way back. Back when they were in high school. She used to have a crush on him, but it never worked out in the end. But now I see them together. I asked A if B was still dating this girl named Connie. He said no. And instantly I knew what was going on. It's probably finally happening between them two, and when I saw them two together, and my heart sank like an anchor. I guess in the end, I still cared. But I don't want to. It's obviously not going to happen for me. Ever. So why does it matter?

You’re still chasing him.
My saving grace is saving face.
Lost on the back burner.
Good for, good for you.
My saving grace is saving face.
I just sit and wait.

I O S K

Sometimes I wish I knew what was going through her head. I went to write my last exam for the term and while we were waiting to go in, I was in line with A, while E was ahead with another friend of ours. They were studying and I had my back turned. But every so often, I would turn my head and look at her. MANY times, she would look back. And we'd stare at each other for a good 3 seconds, before I smile at her and turn back to A, who was busily blabbering away into her phone. It would seem as though E would be looking at the girl who I was with when I look into her eyes.

But perhaps I'm just over-analyzing everything. Maybe she's just curious - from a FRIENDS' point of view.

If only she knew...

Every time.

Every time I tell myself not to talk to you, I end up speaking to you. Sometimes when we don't talk for a couple of days, I wonder if you even think about me. But every time I look at your facebook; with those pictures you post up, I don't even want know you. I think now it's beginning to get to me that I can't trust myself with you. Cause either I'll make things way too obvious and you'll just take advantage of me or I'll just end up hating you even more when you speak of so-and-so or whatever the "Guy of the Day" is, like you're spitting razor blades at me.

Here's a part of her latest blog entry:

Funny how things work. All of a sudden it feels as though I'm being suffocated. I don't have enough private alone time. It seems as though... I don't like how everything is happening at the moment. When you don't want a boy, they all come flying, but when you feel you want one, none seem to be in sight. What is that suppose to mean? I hope I'm over analyzing. I hope there aren't that many. I hope I could make myself understand and make a decision. I hope that day will come sooner...

I hope you become miserable and don't find anyone ANY TIME SOON. I'm risking this blog just to post her BULLSHIT. GAWD, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Funny how she ASSUMES everyone wants her. PLEASE, you're suffocating ME. Perhaps they're all flying AWAY from you. So keep analyzing, by that time, they'll realize how deceiving you are. One second, you're like this, the next second you fucking flip-flop everything.

Oh, I hope I find someone before you do. I'd like to hear what you got to say... bitch.

The Truth.

I totally forgot that S had a blog, and so I visited it for the first time since Spring of this year. All I can say is KARMA IS A BITCH, AIN'T IT? Apparently, according to one of her entries, she had revealed her feelings to a guy. Yet the guy doesn't feel the same way towards her. Ouch. And now she's all emo about it.

10 Things I Hate About Me_
I hate me for letting things surface so easily.
I hate me for making things obvious.
I hate me for falling so fast and so hard every time.
I hate me for having the courage to get back up after I fall.
I hate me for getting up so quickly.
I hate me for not thinking before letting myself fall.
I hate me for not having the patience to wait, research and decide.
I hate me for thinking something is possible.
I hate me for being so naïve.
I hate me for loving you.

[I hope this doesn't surface by the risk of cut'n paste'n]

After further reading, the comments of this entry revealed even more.

"Btw, I don't get why you don't want this to happen... Although I gotta admit... I can't see you guys going out at all. To me, you guys seem like brother and sister."

Wow. Now I really have an idea who this guy is. It's a shame that I don't give a rats ass about her anymore. I've had the last straw and I probably won't be talking to her for a LONG time.

Good riddance.

My Head Is About To Explode

1) Oh, so the selfish, self-centered bitch decided to invite me to a house party. Well, I better not make any promises just incase I end up not going... THE HELL WITH THAT. Not showing up until you say you're fucking sorry. Bitch.

2) The more I think about her, the more I get annoyed and generally pissed off about everything. I don't understand why she has to do that to me. She knows how I feel about her, yet she's always talking about other guys. And sometimes she even leaves me hanging with things she had said. I really want to say I hate her now, but I don't know if I can. After all, she's still a *friend*.

My friend asked me to go out for lunch before work tomorrow [today].
I said sure.
But once he said S was coming, I quickly changed my mind.
Fuck that.
I don't wanna be there when I see both of them at the same time.
I'll just be... ANNOYED AND GENERALLY PISSED OFF.

3) ASUS can go fuck themselves with a knife in the back of the head.

4) No prospects. The more I try to look for one, the more I realize that I'm stuck in singlesville for the rest of my life.

That just relieved some tension in my head...

"Uhhh..."

Oh, don't hesitate now.
Tell me where you are.
"I'm at......."
Ya. Keep going. I know where you are. But just say it... c'mon...
"...S's house."
There. Don't you feel a lot better telling the truth? Of course you do.
But being as I always am, nothing will be said. You won't hear about her from me again.
Except I'll always hear about you when I talk to her.
"_____ this, _____ that."
I wish she would just STFU...



On a brighter note, E called me today and wonder where I was cause I wasn't in class.
At least someone thought about me for once...

The Used.

What am I to you?
Just some guy that thinks you're cute, so you're using him because of that?
The only attention he gets is when you need something.
But when he needs something, or even just hinting to it, you turn your back.
But time and time again, he goes back and helps you whenever he can, however he can so that YOU'RE happy.


Oh S.
I hope you have fun partying at Waterloo with him this weekend, while I'm wasting MY weekend doing YOUR assignment for YOU.
What have I become?
What did I do to deserve all of this and none of you?

Choices.

So I'm left with a dilemma upon my hands.

I was planning to upgrade my computer for a long time now. Do I do it? 3 main pieces - Motherboard, Video Card, and CPU will already cost me over $1,000. Plus all the other necessities such as another monitor, case, power supply, CD/DVD-Rom/RW, RAM, and other stuff. It'll roughly end up to be about $1,500. I'm expecting this to run for AT LEAST 5 years or more before I need to do another upgrade. Yes, I'm planning to use this as my crazy gaming rig plus well... just faster performance in every aspect.

But is this a want? or a need?

I've come to the conclusion that it's a want. A desire for something that I don't necessarily need. It's just to fill the void that I'm missing out on all the good games out there and because of the lack of great performance outputting from my current computer. I guess this would be a short-term thing, that it'll just satisfy me but I probably might regret it.

On the other hand, the other side of the spectrum, I have a car. No, not at the moment. But if I start saving up now, I can probably get my dream car sooner than later. Realistically speaking, if I save up for 2 years, I can afford one right when I graduate. And that would be closer to getting the girl. Like Borat says, "Does this car have pussy magnet?"
I definitely want to have that in my car. LOL.

Realistically speaking [and more of a self-goal, like my friend F] of the cars I want when I'm done post-secondary:

1. Nissan Sentra SE-R Spec-V
   Basically, the top of the line of that car. It's worth about $32,000. But I'm going to finance it cause I definitely won't have that kind of money by the time I'm done school.
2. Honda Civic Ex
   I know, I know. A Civic. WHY?! Yeah I'm wondering about the same thing too. My friends all have it, so I'm really trying to STAY away from it. I wanna be unique in the pack. Third highest model of the sedan. Worth about $20,000, which is a huge difference between this and the Sentra.
3. My parent's Nissan Altima GXE
   Worse comes to worse, by the time I graduate, my parents will be on their way to getting a new car. And this gives me an opportunity to save my money even more and just fix up their car and drive it till it won't drive no more. But why? It probably won't have it's pussy magnet when I get it. LOL.

Unrealistically speaking of the cars I want:

1. Nissan GT-R
   This baby is HOT. OMG. But at a base of $56,000 and top of the line of $72,000, I don't think I can afford it until a few years after I find a stable salary job.
2. Infiniti G37
   Same with the GT-R, but costs a little less at base model.
3. Nissan 350z
   The same AGAIN.

As you can tell, I'm a Nissan freak. I've grown up with Nissan all my life, so it's time for me to show my love for it.

Getting a car is a long-term goal. I don't know if I can do it by the time I'm done school. I guess time will tell.

Living Up To The Name.

Apologies, Glances and Messed Up Chances.

Quite an interesting name for a blog, don't you think? Some names for blogs don't relate to the person at all, but some names do.

Like mine.

Many times I would have to Apologize, make Glances at that someone and/or Mess Up by not taking the Chance that was given to me.

Such as today, I was at a local library with a classmate, figuring out some Java programming. And next to us, a gorgeous Asian girl sits down next to us. At first, I didn't really notice her. But as I caught glimpses of her, the more I tried to just stare. But that's way too obvious. The only way for me to look at her was from a reflection on the window.

But she caught me looking. "Crap!" I thought to myself...

So we sit there for 3 hours, doing our own work, minding our own business. I didn't look at her even though I was very tempted to.

Then she got up. Packed her stuff and went into a study room behind us. My friend looks over and sees a scarf on her chair.

"Hey man! I think that's her scarf! Go give it back to her!"
"You sure?!"
"Ya I'm positive that's her scarf."
"Why don't you do it?"
"It's better if you do it. You better hurry up before she remembers and gets it."
"OK, I'll do it in 5 minutes."
"Do it now man!"
"Nah! 5 minutes!"

And so FOUR minutes went by, and the inevitable happened - she came out and got her scarf.

DAMN IT.
A chance to know her passed me by. And now I'm left with another "Messed Up Chances" under my belt.

Could she have done it on purpose? I was looking at her reflection on the window as she went into the room and closed the door. She looked at me before disappearing behind the wall...

I knew I should've done it earlier. Me and my fucking 5 minutes...

[Un]realistically speaking.

On the bus, on my way to school. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander off and my imagination took over.

Maybe I'm watching too much TV; too much Heroes. My imagination brought me to my past. I had a vivid image in my mind, that I had bent the space-time continuum and met myself when I think I was 12...
And so I gave myself a list, a list that would change my current self.

1. Do well in school. Don't slack like I did back in high school. Mom said that if I did well, she'll get me a car [which is one step closer to getting the girl, and you will know who that is soon enough.] SO DON'T DISAPPOINT ME!
   
2. Do not skip a year of post-secondary. Apply for it right when grade 12 ends.
3. Apply for UofT Scarborough campus and it's IMPERATIVE that you get into UTSC.
   
4. Apply for PCW. Work at FX for three years straight. DO NOT go for any girls no matter HOW attractive you think they are. You will just be disappointed. Just wait until the third year. You will then meet #18. You will know who that is when the time comes. F____ will help you in realizing what #18 means.
   
5. DO NOT give up on her. She may be hard but she'll be worth it over the mistake I did.
6. WATCH THE LEAFS. BECOME A HARDCORE FAN OF THE LEAFS.
7. Get Leafs tickets from your uncle and invite #18 as much as you can to those games.
8. I think I covered everything you need to know about our future. Don't screw up! I will definitely come back for you if you do!
9. This is ALSO IMPERATIVE. You must, AT ALL COSTS, keep Frank away from "the bitch". You will know who she is when you see her.

My train of thoughts blurred as a firetruck screamed passed the bus and realized that my stop was just around the corner. But thinking back to all these thoughts; this "list". Am I slowly going insane? Have I become obsessed with my mistakes? Is this a sign of regret?

But I'm afraid it's true. I'm still regretting every moment of it. I just wish I can go back in time and fix the damage I've done...

Looking Back...

While going through my old and lost files, I found some interesting things.
But this one was special...

It seems as though, no matter how hard I try; or how apologetic I am, I still feel like my efforts have gone in vain.

Whatever I was trying to fix, won't be fixed tonight. And probably won't be fixed any time soon.
I know I said something wrong; all due to a misunderstanding, but now I feel like I did something worse than that.
I understand where you're coming from, and if I were in your shoes, I'd probably do the same.
I'm sorry for saying the things I said. But I guess it's still not enough, is it?

I know you're still upset.
You don't need to lie.
I can tell: from the echoing slam of the passenger door to the lifeless responses you give me.

Now I'm thinking to myself, why didn't I say anything at Finch station? Or even on the trip there and back for that matter? I wasn't trying to ignore you or tick you off some more, I just wasn't in the mood to say anything after you reamed me out on the phone...

All in all, I'm sorry for saying what I said. I wasn't thinking and I'm definitely paying the price for it now.
I hope this will clarify things up and I hope you accept my apology. This probably won't work if apologizing over the phone didn't, but I guess it's still worth a try...

Wow.
Now the problem is...
I have no idea who this was for.

A Perfect Night - For a Night Drive

Ripping it down Highway 7, heading East at midnight.
I never felt this adrenaline before.
I just had to drop the pedal to the floor.
Thoughts rushing through my head.
C.
A.
S.
E.
Why am I plagued with these thoughts?
I looked into my rearview as I thought I left everyone behind me in my dust.
But this red civic hatchback kept on my tail.
I floored it.
I was doing 120... 130... above the street racing law... still he was on my tail.
Up infront came a red light that had just turned green.
I slowed down and he came infront and cut me off.

Oh no.
You shouldn't have.
At this point, I was tailgating him. There was less than half a meter between me and him...
What was that?
You gave me the finger?
Now what the hell did I do?

That's it.
I cut to the left, drive up next to him and took a quick look at him.
Pedal to the metal and ahead I went, cutting him off [SEVERELY].
He had to brake hard just to avoid rear-ending me.
Good.
I felt good.
Adrenaline still pumping through me, I lost him. He was stuck behind the crawling traffic... now a speck in my rearview.
I win bitch, I win...

Caught In The Middle.

What do you do when one of your friends contributed to the cheating done in the girls relationship, before they got together?

Do you take sides? Or try not to get involved?

He's one of your good friends, and the girl he's with now, cheated with him on her ex. Easy right? It's none of your business, so you obviously take your friends side, just cause you have no choice anyway.

But what if...

The other guy - the guy on the other end. The one whose hurt, who didn't deserve the pain he's going through, is also your friend? So now all three persons are your friends. What do you do? You have friends on either side, and you're stuck in the middle.

This is where I stand. Stuck in the middle of a battlefield, bullets flying from either side of me. Now I know how serious this matter is. The guy whose hurt, brings trouble and worry to everyone around him. He said he wanted to hurt the guy who did this. He was calling his boys from Jane and Finch. But I talked some sense into him. We all did, and now he's calling it off. I can only imagine what could be done...

And now I'm putting some thought into what I was thinking on doing. Getting involved with E? A man like me can only dream about it, but it'll never happen. I'm doing this the right way, the way it's supposed to be done. And that means if I have to wait forever for whoever the girl is...

I will...

Again.

I thought today would be a day where I won't have to hear his name.
But you said it again.
I don't even know why I'm talking to you.
Every time I see you online, I want to talk to you, even if I told myself not to.
And why am I talking to him? Chilling with him?
He seems so much closer to you than I can ever get.
But he's a good friend.
So I guess I shouldn't hold a grudge against him but against you.
You and your lying lies.
Your dirty secrets.
And the way you build me up, just to break me down.
I give up.
I've been hurt too many times before, I don't want it to happen again...

These girls win, they always do...

Enough.

(5:27 PM) C:wait
(5:27 PM) C:what happened to loo?
(5:28 PM) S:lol
(5:28 PM) S:hahahaha
(5:28 PM) S:later
(5:28 PM) S:getting a ride
(5:28 PM) C:
(5:28 PM) C:from wh
(5:28 PM) C:who
(5:29 PM) S:jason
(5:30 PM) C:joey's jason?
(5:30 PM) C:or JAY
(5:30 PM) S:joey's jason
(5:30 PM) C:LOL
(5:30 PM) C:good luck.
(5:30 PM) S:?
(5:32 PM) S:it's not like anything's gonna happen
(5:33 PM) C:that's not what i meant lol
(5:33 PM) C:i meant your boredo
(5:33 PM) C:boredom
(5:34 PM) S:oh yeah. and not understanding what he's saying?
(5:34 PM) S:LOL
(5:35 PM) S:but it's better than bussing at 7:15AM... or not going at all?
(5:35 PM) S:lol
(5:35 PM) S:too baddddddd anson's got work and i can't bring him
(5:38 PM) C:lol
(5:38 PM) C:you two are so tight
(5:38 PM) C:it's like you're dating
(5:42 PM) S:what?!
(5:42 PM) S:oh my.......
(5:48 PM) C:what?
(5:51 PM) S:LOL. you are so weirddd

I didn't care about that Jason guy driving her to loo. I know he has no chance with her whatsoever, even S pointed out [one of] his [MAJOR] flaws.

Then came the bolded points.
I can't have a conversation with her without him being mentioned. For once I want to talk to her without hearing about another guy. But it seems that A is the hot topic nowadays.

So I had enough and mentioned that it seemed as though they're dating just to see what she would say...

And look at her response. I'm "weirddd". Big WTF there...

What ladder?

That's the question I'm asking myself. I currently lost on the battlefield. I don't know if I'm on the friends ladder, or the real ladder.

I had dinner with S today, we had such a good time too. I dropped her off at her house and she invited me to come in. SURE WHY NOT? Why pass up such a great opportunity? We had a good time but I had to go. I come home, and chat with her on msn, then the inevitable happened:

S: You should've made me go to sleep
C: ...
C: I told you to go to sleep
C: ...HOW MANY TIMES?
C: Do I need to come tuck you into bed? LOL
S: YEAH!
S: Of course : )
S: Awww. Anson called
S: That FAG. Went to eat without me.
S: But he's getting me coffee
S: : )
S: lol

Wow. Just... wow. Do I CARE?! I don't understand anymore...

You think you're on one ladder, and before you know it, you get tossed to the other ladder. Then you get tossed back. Back and forth. Sooner or later, you won't know which ladder you're on anymore...

...like me.

It's was only a...

So I was at #18's house. I don't remember why I was there, but there were quite a few people there, so it must've been a little gathering she was having. Her walls were spray painted with some artistic graffiti and I said, "Whoa! Why are your walls like this?!" And she said, "Oh, we're painting the walls soon, so I let Jess do a little artsy stuff to it before we cover it."

Fair enough.

I grab a seat on a love seat and look around, people were chatting and I look at her and she's on her laptop. She was apparently on MSN, and she turns around to me and says, "Hey! Can you figure out who this is for me?" I get up and walk to her and she lets me sit down on the chair she was sitting on. I start reading the chat log. I don't remember much of it, but the line that struck me was:

"So who do you like? Is it Cal? s2 =)"

I made a WTF face, and she said, "Yeah I know, weird eh?"

Then I said, "I don't know, but I'll try to figure it out." Got up and went on her desktop. As I was going on MSN, she started to play this game. I have no idea what it's called but the objective was to kiss each other on certain places of the face. And somehow you win just by doing something that I wasn't even sure about. I didn't notice that till I looked over and she was kissing some guy on the cheek and she saw me look. Our eyes connected for a second, but I turned away. I didn't bother saying anything. I don't even remember what went through my head when that happened. At the corner of my eye, she had finished and got up and started coming towards my direction. She sat next to me and said, "Hey Calvin." I turned my head towards her and said "What's up?" And she kissed my lips and held it for 2 seconds before she pulled away. I stare at her, with my eyes as big as they can get, while she said, "I win" with a smile on her face...

Next thing I knew I heard someone yelling my name...

...and I woke up...

3:41AM... WHY?!

I woke up to a scream, and cries last night - Cries of pain, sorrow, heartache.

No, it wasn't me.

It came from outside my house. I turned to look at the red glow of my clock. Blurry - I squinted to see 3:41AM. I thought, "What the fuck?" I got up, and pulled down a section of my blinds to see a girl across the street screaming towards a black car. I couldn't see much since my window was all blurry [plus my own eye sight isn't that well too] and as the girl kept walking, she kept crying, and the black car followed.

Screams of "LEAVE ME ALONE" and "I HATE YOU" were the only words that traveled into my ear. I thought to myself, "Whoa, this is something serious." She walked up the street to the point where I was just able to see what was going on. Then suddenly, the crying hushed and she walked around to the passenger door and got it. And the black car drove off.

A few things came through my head:

• She was too easy. One word probably made her forget why she was upset. Or why she hated him.
• She probably over-reacted on something stupid like what a lot of girls do.
• If he was such a jerk, why go back to him? He was probably her ride home, so she had no other choice. I just don't understand girls who do that. There are SO many grateful guys out there, who can do a million times better than him, yet you're still stuck on him? What cheap crack did he make you smoke?
  
• Why the flying FUCK are you out so late? Get the hell home and don't wake me up EVER AGAIN.

Song For The Girl

Up again, down again, out of your head
When she's beside you, you're nearly not so dead
Up again, down again, out of your head
When she's beside you, you're always at your best

To my buddy and myself... you know how true this is.

The Key

Nothing is clear at the moment, and it's definitely too early to tell anything. I feel as though you're at the other side of a tightrope that I'm currently on - the width of dental floss, while I'm on a unicycle above a wilderness of razorblades. One false move and it's bye-bye to me and everything I was trying for. And I just started on this tight rope, but I'm stuck. I'm like a ship lost at sea. Do I turn back, and don't risk what I have right now? Or continue on the tight rope, risk that I may fall and face the peril of the blades? But even if I do make it across, I have one obstacle to overcome, and that's your significant other.

He's like the final boss in a game - he has the key to your kingdom; he has the key to your heart. And you're the prize at the end of it all. And like the T-Shirt that I wanted to buy that says on the front: "Save the Princess, Save the World" But that's way too geeky and it's besides the point.

All my friends had it easy. The girl would be having problems with her ex and so they come in, as the savior, the friend, the pillow. But I don't know about her. She doesn't speak of him, she doesn't have any pictures of him. Why must this be so difficult?

I know this is contradicting to what I said in the previous entry, but after seeing this blog:

I want to fall in love. It's such a simple statement, and in a way a very selfish one too. It's nothing to be ashamed of- to admit an emptiness in our own lives that we don't know how to fill. It's difficult to explain the empty feeling that gnaws when walking down the street and seeing a couple kiss. It's an emptiness that makes you feel like you've missed something, and leaves you remembering what it was like to hold someone's hand. At what point in our lives did we make the 'wrong' choice?

http://richlinkin.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

I've made many wrong choices in life, but is this finally the right one? Back on the issue of morals - anyone WITH morals would probably say no. I don't know what to tell you. She's beginning to drive me nuts, and I barely know her. That's how different she is, that's how special she is already and she's driving me off the wall...

And honestly, because she wasn't in class today, I felt weird. Like I was missing something. She already has that effect on me, I can't imagine what would happen if we got closer...

But that's another tale for another day...

To those that read this and feels as though I have wasted their time, I apologize. As for those that understand what I'm going through, thanks for understanding. One day I hope that I can find the cup of tea and drink from it - hopefully it's not poison like my previous cup[s]...

A Tear In The Open

A deer in the headlights...
A blade on a wrist...
A noose around a neck...
A death of a friend...

A loved one lost...

Today, I've come to the realization that what makes me think that I can go for someone who is already in a relationship when I can't even get anyone that's single, and that's where I lose.

Today, I was sitting next to her. And she was happily typing to someone on msn. I tried to sneak-a-peek, but her contrast was way too low to even make out any text. Part of me thought it was a friend, but the other part - the pessimistic-self - thought it was the bf. And when she was typing, I noticed a ring - thick and silver on her right index finger. My heart sank a bit, but I didn't let it phase me.

As soon as class ended, she didn't wait up as I was talking to another friend in class. She said "Hey, I gotta go. My ride should be here." So I said bye and off she went. I went outside with my other friend, talking about cars. That ended quickly as I saw her walk away. I turned around, said "later man!" and turned back around, hoping I'd catch up to her. But she had disappeared. So I gave up the pursuit and proceeded my way to the bus stop. The bus stop was PACKED and I knew I wouldn't be able to get on the first bus, so I turned around and headed for the washroom.

I did that, and I came back out, heading to the bus stop again. And at that moment, I saw her at the TTC bus stop, just as she was turning around, away from this guy. She was laughing, and the guy had a big grin on his face. She then saw me, our eyes met for a second, and then I turned my head and kept walking. At that moment, I felt my heart sank; a brick to my face; a bat to my head; a knife to my back.

Her ride wasn't here. It was a lie.

She was going to have a nice bus ride to wherever she was going, but definitely not home. And me - with my earphones on - I stood in a crowded bus; blasting Matthew Good...

True love will find you in the end...

...as they say. It's as easy as it sounds eh?

They say it's a promise with a catch: Only if you're looking can it find you.

And I have been looking for it. But my pessimistic-self won't let me go any further than I am now. The cuts are all gone, but somehow I'm still bleeding...

Morals? What morals?

Before I begin, I will go a bit off-topic: I had to delete my first post because I really felt insecure with my "nickname" being on the blog and the people I talked about and how Google can simply index the thing and if anyone did a search of my name, they could easily find this blog. So there you have it, if you didn't read it in the first post, you missed my life story [as a failure].

Anyway, now back to your regularly scheduled program.



So I look at the horoscope on facebook and well, well, well, what a surprise...

You will be presented with a situation that tests your moral standards. Do what you feel is right, no matter what anyone else says.

Now here's the problem. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I usually don't believe this crap but hey, what a coincidence right? My friends and I were on the issue of homewrecking, and really, I'm beginning to like this girl, but wtf: She's in a ship and had already set sail. As for me, I was on a ship, before it crashed on rocks of greed, annoyance, and whatever else I can say that killed off my ship. And now all I'm left with is a little dance in the quicksand: I'm not going anywhere, and I'm just sinking lower and lower into my depression that others can have what they want, and the unfortunate ones [like myself] can't. I think back to the reason of the break-up between my ex and wonder why did I do it? But I guess I'd be more depressed if I was still with her.

Now what's the right or wrong thing to do? Break the home down/crash their ship, or just keep dancing in my quicksand?

Re: The Rough Divide

From: the ego, the id, and the super ego.

I guess we have to choose a side. Almost everyone chose my side, since [obviously] I'm better than her. But let's not give me an excuse to be full of myself here.

A friend of ours [R] had recently talked to his [F] ex. It may seem like it's not a big deal to him [R], but to us, especially to my friend [F], it totally is. I would wonder what his [R] reaction would be if we started to talk to his ex. [L]

It's surprising to me when it was brought up. I was having lunch with a friend when she brought up the topic of having mutual friends, and most of them took the ex's side. Soon realizing the wrong choice had been made, they had switched sides. Talk about backstabbers...

From my friend's blog - "This is often difficult, as when in the presence of these individuals, information regarding the enemy - information which largely should not be known by the self - is often revealed."

Thus leads to my closing remarks...